Little Blue Pill

I was given a blue pastel pill by a boy at school today. A boy I loved. He challenged me to try it tonight at the bowling alley where most us kids would hang out later tonight. I was nervous the minute the pill fell from his palm into my palm. I studied the thing for a quick second before quickly shoving it into my pocket before the teacher caught it. "Have you ever done a bule?" He said slowly looking around to see if anyone else caught that. I shook my head no and slumped down in my chair. I was in love with Kyle. He was my best friend's brother and the only boy that was ever really open with me. I wasn't use to such a bond with any boy and we became close after last summer. "What's this gunna do to me?" I waved around the idea of taking it and quickly being rushed into the emergency room just to be pronounced dead the minute I arrived. I couldn't shake it out of my head. I guess Kyle could tell I didn't feel right. "Whenever I take it, I feel like I'm in a dream but I'm awake and nothing matters." He closes his eyes and smiles as if he's dreaming right now. The thought of being in a dream like trance kinda bothered me. What if I'm a total dork and everyone can tell that I'm losing my fucking mind. Two weeks ago I saw a video of a girl that was made fun of at a party after getting really high on a brownie and suddenly she begins to choke. I couldn't be that girl, I didn't want to be that girl. We live in a drug town. Everyone is dying on blues and no one is doing anything about it. I could easily walk into a shitty little clinic and tell them that I fell and now my back hurts really bad and without a second thought I'd be given a handwritten script for Oxycotin. It's just that simple. My mother told me about a coworker who lost her daughter to blues. She o.d and was found naked in her mother's bedroom closet. Again, I wasn't ready to be that girl. I picture myself pale and grey with foam coming out of my mouth in the middle of the bowling alley bathroom, what I sight to see. "Katie, Mara is here!" Mom calls out from the living room. "Hey." Mara steps in with her hair pulled to the side in a messy bun she seems down and slowly makes her way onto my bed. Her eyes are done in dark makeup and heavy eyeliner. Her beauty is unforgiving to anyone that even tries to imitate her. "Are you okay?" I look at her bite her fingernail to the very pink of her nail. "Eh, not really." She's sighs. "Oh. What's up?" I hope her brother didn't tell her about the blue pill he gave me. She still doesn't really know how I feel about him. "Kyle is being such a dick." "Really?" "He says he's not gunna take us to bowling because he's gunna ask this girl out tonight and he doesn't want us hanging around." "What?" My heart drops to the pit of my stomach and I hear nothing. I feel like everything I thought was a sign of us being together was just my imagination and I'm angry with it for leading me on. "Don't look so sad about it cause you're gunna make me feel worse." Mara falls back on the bed and studies her split ends sharply. "I'm just confused." I begin to panic for saying that. "Huh? Confused about what?" I can't lie so I bite my thumb and just take a deep breath to find my words. "I'm confused because he gave me this!" I pull the blue pill out from my pocket and show it to her. Her eyes get wide and she half smiles. "Katie why didn't you tell me?" She plucks the pill from my hand and holds it up like a magic seed. "I wasn't sure I'd take it. He basically dared me." "If you don't I will." She grins and slowly returns it to me. I hold it in my hand and begin to wonder what if. SO much of me wants to just take the pill and flush it down the toilet to never ruin a life in its creation. The thought of Kyle just being with another girl makes me want to also take the pill and plunge into that dream like escape and never come back. I don't want to handle this. I really can't imagine taking the pill and breaking every rule I ever followed in life like don't do stupid things to get people to like you or don't try drugs that are addicting, and don't embarrass yourself for the attention of a guy. "I'm going to get ready I guess." I stand up and march towards the closet to pick out something to wear. I want to look like I'm fearless and heartless too. No emotions run through this girl. I know, black leggings and a vintage metal shirt followed by heavy jewelry and dark eyes. Suddenly I was not me but the version of me that didn't care anymore. I was her, I was the girl that knew how trouble works and I was ready to work it. I was the girl that would take any pill despite the danger. I was strong and I was careless because I wasn't wanted. Mara liked the dark girl I had become because for a while now, Mara has become her too. We smiled at the crazy girls in the mirror that were ready to fuck you up. It was time to get our dark matter to the world. We laughed like banshees on our way out to the car, my mother wasn't sure what to make of us. She was all ready suspicious of Mara and now me. "You girls better behave, that bowling alley is nothing but trouble." We looked at each other and together we rolled our eyes. Yes, MOTHER! Now step on the pedal and get us to the bowling alley. Once we got there I noticed Kyle's friends hanging out by the arcade. They were laughing slowly and pacing around a claw machine trying to win a bulldog toy. "Have you guys seen that dick I call brother?" Mara shouted over them and over the Justin Bieber song playing on the radio. "He's somewhere around." A tall freckled ginger kid snickered at us acting as if we didn't know they were much to high to know. "Yeah whatever." Mara called back. We circled around the dark arcade and tip toed around the older kids while shoving around the younger kids. Kyle was nowhere in sight. Suddenly we hear his laugh and we both know it's Kyle because no one else in the world can laugh in his way. "Well look at who we have here!" Mara puts both hands on his shoulders and shakes him around in his seat. He's at the end lane with a couple of girls. "Hey." He stunned by the way we look but at this point I don't care. I recognize one of the girls from school, she's really sweet and always parts her hair all the way to the side. "So you gave her a blue?" Mara jumps into a seat next to him and presses on. He looks at me and kinda smiles and looks back at the two girls who are obviously not comfortable talking about that kind of thing. "Look I thought she'd enjoy it." He smiles and runs his hands through his hair as if it's going to solve anything. "Well you know that she's not like that. Why would you offer her one and not me and why would you bail on us last minute like that?" Mara seems crazy, her eyes are wide and her hair a mess she doesn't care for anyone around knowing what we're all talking about. "I told you." He leans forward and keeps his eye on the next turn. "Come on Ashley!" He cheers jokingly. Mara still keeps her eyes steady on him waiting for a reply. "Really? I mean really Kyle you're not going to say anything?" We both wait for a reaction but he doesn't. I begin to chew on my thumb again the dark me is going away and the real me is fading back in. The real me just wants to melt away. "Let's just go." I pull Mara by the sleeve and she pulls back. Her dark side is still there, still in charge, and still really angry. "Kyle you're a dick!" She barks in his face and stands to her feet. "You know I want Blues, and you know that Katie fucking likes you, a lot, so why do you ask another girl out on a date." Everyone turns around and stares at us. The two girls and stopped playing and are now engaged by Mara, the other kids begin to come around. The music is lower and no one cares about bowling suddenly. Mara has taken the stage. I feel my body begin to shake, she's just said that. He's know all along. "I'm sorry," Kyle throws his hands up in the air giving in then turns to me, "Do you really like me?" His words hit me like grenades. I don't hear shit after, just a ringing in my ear that is coming from the need to die. "I'm not doing this." I get back on my feet and run towards the door. Each step I'm closer to being free. I run so fast my tears begin to slide back. I break through the doors and stop in the middle of the parking lot hoping my mother is somewhere spying. But she's not… I slip the blue pill out of my pocket and hold it again… then slowly I drop it on the ground and crush it with my foot then sit on the side railing to let myself just cry. "Don't cry cause of that." Kyle comes up to me and leans beside me on the rail. "Oh God that was just so fuckin…" "Shitty!" He laughs and nudges me with his elbow. I wipe my tears and realize my makeup has run. I have black stains on my hands. "Fucking A!" I rub my eyes and look up at the stars that are out. "I really didn't know." Kyle begins, "I mean I just thought you looked at me like a brother." Awkward feeling again. "I really would like to not talk about this." I turn to him and tuck my hair behind my ear. "Look, if I had known… I would not have came here with them." "Well you know now… and really you don't have to say anything because I was never going to say anything." "Why?" "Because why would I do this to myself?" "What?"He rubs his face with one hand and I find myself even more like shit. "I wouldn't make myself feel like such shit." "No… because if you would have told me I would have brought you here tonight." "Why?" "Because I like you, I've liked you for awhile…" I held my breath, was he just saying this to make me feel better? "You like me?" I need to know whats true and whats just in my head. We've been friends for two years, and for two years I've thought about what it would feel like to kiss him, hold him, and know him in a way that was more personal more intimate. "Yeah but Mara said you weren't into me like that, she said that you thought of me like a brother too." I felt betrayed for Mara knew how much I loved him, and what my feelings for him really were. How long has she been hiding this from me. "I smashed the pill." I point to the remains of the little bit of dream he had given me. I'm still relieved that I didn't eat the thing. "You think its shit dont you?" Kyle bites his lip hoping my judgement isn't too low of him. I don't judge him for it, I just don't find the need to do it I guess. I shake my head and sit down on the railing balancing myself just right. "I wish I could just escape." I laugh knowing that in this moment an escape would be all I needed. "I know that a pill wouldn't solve that for me. Nothing really will." I know that behind the dark clothes and dark eyes I'm just me. Shy, plain and nothing but natural as far as makeup. "I wouldn't want that." He jumps up and slides next to me on the rail. "I just want you here with me all the time." "Yeah?" "Yeah, and the rest will just kinda figure itself out I guess." He puts his hand over mine and I lean in closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. This is it I guess, we're together now, and I know how he actually feels about me. Mara hid it from us both but she forgot one thing, true feelings always have a way of turning up. "Kyle?" "Yeah?" "Don't do pills anymore okay?" I hold up my hand in an attempt to shake on it. He waits a minute and then takes a firm hand and shakes on it. "Deal." He uses his grip to pull me in and kisses me on the lips, I melt with joy and I'm sent into all the dreams I ever had of him. This moment has been a dream for two years finally it's happened. "What the hell are you guys doing!" Mara jumps in front of us with her hair all loose in front. "Mara what the fuck?" I jump to my feet and cross my arms over my chest, her lies are done. "I was waiting for you guys to get back inside, I'm bored." "So you knew how I felt for the longest time and you denied it to him, to me?" Her eyes become wide and her makeup scares me even more but I'm really not afraid. "So he told you finally? Good I wasn't gunna get involved." "Actually you did, you always have." I look back at Kyle who is standing behind me clearly taking my side. "He's my brother Katie." "And your my friend!" I wait for a reply but instead she bows her head looking for a lie to fill in for an explantion to hide behind. "All I wanted was for you guys to get along, not date. This is so lame, you guys can't go out!" Her words weren't lies, she was honest for once. "Lets go back inside I gotta tell the other girls that I wont be giving them a ride." Kyle takes my hand and for a minute I feel a little bad for Mara who clearly just lost me as a friend. She stands with her hand over her chest, and I remember the nights I cried out my love for Kyle and how to assured me it was never going to happen… "Yeah… I'm over this." I follow him back inside. The car ride back was quiet no one said anything, I sat in front with Kyle, my hand gently on his lap while Mara sat in the back over looking the streets we passed by. A part of me wanted to say something but I knew it was better left unsaid. She was sorry and I could tell she was aware of the mistake she made. "Mara I'm gunna take you home first okay?"Kyle adjust the rear view mirror and aims his gaze at his sister who is gently tugging at the split ends in her hair. "Whatever." She mumbles barely looking back it was done she was over, her power had no use here. Back at my place it was better, Mara wasn't around and we were alone and together. "If anything happened tonight it was good." He said gently pullin my hair to the side. "Yeah it was really good." I agree with him, knowing that deep down we were still a bit confused how we could have missed this connection. What were we hiding from and how did we really not know? I lean in to say goodnight and kiss him on the cheek, he slides his hand on my face and kisses me hard and long. It was a long time coming but something must have been known… the truth was this was real and this was us and there was nothing anyone could do, no matter who, no matter what.