A Long Look Away

His eyes are so electric I can't shake from him. He stands over me with his own plans of how he wants to live and it doesn't quite include me. I want to believe that he doesn't know better but the truth is I'm not so sure. I take a couple steps back and over think the role I've taken on as his wife, his friend, his bitch, his love. He doesn't believe in soul mates, he doesn't believe in marriage, and we both know deep down he doesn't want kids. I've just spent money on our home and I regret each penny. I'm only buying him things that one day I might have to walk away from.

A tree won't bear fruit if the branches aren't trimmed. I can't have my peace in a place of chaos. I did my best to keep this place special but it was broken once people began coming by and our time together was pulled apart. I don't know. Just like the song, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, I built my whole life around you, how can I just stand aside and keep from creating the home I want? I wanted this to go different. No one ever encouraged you more than me, but I guess you have a funny way of forgetting that. I clench my fist and hold onto my wine glass tight. Fuck.

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why. We go to bed and he turns his back to me. I know he's mad. I wish I could just pack up and just head out through the door and start a new life. I'd hit the road with my favorite things and my laptop to write. I'd travel from coast to coast stopping at all the national parks and camping on site. Nature would embrace my every need and heal my every wound.

His snores echo in this room. He's a monster with a mission to just live his life. I could be shot in the head and he'd never notice. Sometimes I doubt that we are in love at all. He wants me to be here like a bed. He only needs me to rest his heads. I always believed that marriage was between two people who wanted to come together to build a big bushy nest. One person made it pretty the other made it comfortable. In our relationship he sits still while I work like a slave over the details and the upkeep. I just shake my head and silently scream.

My oh my, I am such a fool. I forgave him too quick and gave into his every indulgence and only to be shown what an idiot I am and how much he is trying to control me. I gave him the option to back out of this years ago. Nothing happened. I cope from day to day with his life and I swallow my words and neglect my spirit in order to get along.

I can't do it anymore. I want more. I don't think i deserve it but I could work hard enough to deserve it. Long ago I had that proactive spirit, I need to evoke that energy back around again. Maybe I'd actually leave, actually take care of myself and for the first time ever be totally independent. My heart breaks but its clear we don't want the same things or the same life. I want to settle down and travel around and he wants to explosively create. I wish him well but I know I can't let those flames that chaos come back into my life. Home is in my head and in my heart.

Little Blue Pill

I was given a blue pastel pill by a boy at school today. A boy I loved. He challenged me to try it tonight at the bowling alley where most us kids would hang out later tonight. I was nervous the minute the pill fell from his palm into my palm. I studied the thing for a quick second before quickly shoving it into my pocket before the teacher caught it. "Have you ever done a bule?" He said slowly looking around to see if anyone else caught that. I shook my head no and slumped down in my chair. I was in love with Kyle. He was my best friend's brother and the only boy that was ever really open with me. I wasn't use to such a bond with any boy and we became close after last summer. "What's this gunna do to me?" I waved around the idea of taking it and quickly being rushed into the emergency room just to be pronounced dead the minute I arrived. I couldn't shake it out of my head. I guess Kyle could tell I didn't feel right. "Whenever I take it, I feel like I'm in a dream but I'm awake and nothing matters." He closes his eyes and smiles as if he's dreaming right now. The thought of being in a dream like trance kinda bothered me. What if I'm a total dork and everyone can tell that I'm losing my fucking mind. Two weeks ago I saw a video of a girl that was made fun of at a party after getting really high on a brownie and suddenly she begins to choke. I couldn't be that girl, I didn't want to be that girl. We live in a drug town. Everyone is dying on blues and no one is doing anything about it. I could easily walk into a shitty little clinic and tell them that I fell and now my back hurts really bad and without a second thought I'd be given a handwritten script for Oxycotin. It's just that simple. My mother told me about a coworker who lost her daughter to blues. She o.d and was found naked in her mother's bedroom closet. Again, I wasn't ready to be that girl. I picture myself pale and grey with foam coming out of my mouth in the middle of the bowling alley bathroom, what I sight to see. "Katie, Mara is here!" Mom calls out from the living room. "Hey." Mara steps in with her hair pulled to the side in a messy bun she seems down and slowly makes her way onto my bed. Her eyes are done in dark makeup and heavy eyeliner. Her beauty is unforgiving to anyone that even tries to imitate her. "Are you okay?" I look at her bite her fingernail to the very pink of her nail. "Eh, not really." She's sighs. "Oh. What's up?" I hope her brother didn't tell her about the blue pill he gave me. She still doesn't really know how I feel about him. "Kyle is being such a dick." "Really?" "He says he's not gunna take us to bowling because he's gunna ask this girl out tonight and he doesn't want us hanging around." "What?" My heart drops to the pit of my stomach and I hear nothing. I feel like everything I thought was a sign of us being together was just my imagination and I'm angry with it for leading me on. "Don't look so sad about it cause you're gunna make me feel worse." Mara falls back on the bed and studies her split ends sharply. "I'm just confused." I begin to panic for saying that. "Huh? Confused about what?" I can't lie so I bite my thumb and just take a deep breath to find my words. "I'm confused because he gave me this!" I pull the blue pill out from my pocket and show it to her. Her eyes get wide and she half smiles. "Katie why didn't you tell me?" She plucks the pill from my hand and holds it up like a magic seed. "I wasn't sure I'd take it. He basically dared me." "If you don't I will." She grins and slowly returns it to me. I hold it in my hand and begin to wonder what if. SO much of me wants to just take the pill and flush it down the toilet to never ruin a life in its creation. The thought of Kyle just being with another girl makes me want to also take the pill and plunge into that dream like escape and never come back. I don't want to handle this. I really can't imagine taking the pill and breaking every rule I ever followed in life like don't do stupid things to get people to like you or don't try drugs that are addicting, and don't embarrass yourself for the attention of a guy. "I'm going to get ready I guess." I stand up and march towards the closet to pick out something to wear. I want to look like I'm fearless and heartless too. No emotions run through this girl. I know, black leggings and a vintage metal shirt followed by heavy jewelry and dark eyes. Suddenly I was not me but the version of me that didn't care anymore. I was her, I was the girl that knew how trouble works and I was ready to work it. I was the girl that would take any pill despite the danger. I was strong and I was careless because I wasn't wanted. Mara liked the dark girl I had become because for a while now, Mara has become her too. We smiled at the crazy girls in the mirror that were ready to fuck you up. It was time to get our dark matter to the world. We laughed like banshees on our way out to the car, my mother wasn't sure what to make of us. She was all ready suspicious of Mara and now me. "You girls better behave, that bowling alley is nothing but trouble." We looked at each other and together we rolled our eyes. Yes, MOTHER! Now step on the pedal and get us to the bowling alley. Once we got there I noticed Kyle's friends hanging out by the arcade. They were laughing slowly and pacing around a claw machine trying to win a bulldog toy. "Have you guys seen that dick I call brother?" Mara shouted over them and over the Justin Bieber song playing on the radio. "He's somewhere around." A tall freckled ginger kid snickered at us acting as if we didn't know they were much to high to know. "Yeah whatever." Mara called back. We circled around the dark arcade and tip toed around the older kids while shoving around the younger kids. Kyle was nowhere in sight. Suddenly we hear his laugh and we both know it's Kyle because no one else in the world can laugh in his way. "Well look at who we have here!" Mara puts both hands on his shoulders and shakes him around in his seat. He's at the end lane with a couple of girls. "Hey." He stunned by the way we look but at this point I don't care. I recognize one of the girls from school, she's really sweet and always parts her hair all the way to the side. "So you gave her a blue?" Mara jumps into a seat next to him and presses on. He looks at me and kinda smiles and looks back at the two girls who are obviously not comfortable talking about that kind of thing. "Look I thought she'd enjoy it." He smiles and runs his hands through his hair as if it's going to solve anything. "Well you know that she's not like that. Why would you offer her one and not me and why would you bail on us last minute like that?" Mara seems crazy, her eyes are wide and her hair a mess she doesn't care for anyone around knowing what we're all talking about. "I told you." He leans forward and keeps his eye on the next turn. "Come on Ashley!" He cheers jokingly. Mara still keeps her eyes steady on him waiting for a reply. "Really? I mean really Kyle you're not going to say anything?" We both wait for a reaction but he doesn't. I begin to chew on my thumb again the dark me is going away and the real me is fading back in. The real me just wants to melt away. "Let's just go." I pull Mara by the sleeve and she pulls back. Her dark side is still there, still in charge, and still really angry. "Kyle you're a dick!" She barks in his face and stands to her feet. "You know I want Blues, and you know that Katie fucking likes you, a lot, so why do you ask another girl out on a date." Everyone turns around and stares at us. The two girls and stopped playing and are now engaged by Mara, the other kids begin to come around. The music is lower and no one cares about bowling suddenly. Mara has taken the stage. I feel my body begin to shake, she's just said that. He's know all along. "I'm sorry," Kyle throws his hands up in the air giving in then turns to me, "Do you really like me?" His words hit me like grenades. I don't hear shit after, just a ringing in my ear that is coming from the need to die. "I'm not doing this." I get back on my feet and run towards the door. Each step I'm closer to being free. I run so fast my tears begin to slide back. I break through the doors and stop in the middle of the parking lot hoping my mother is somewhere spying. But she's not… I slip the blue pill out of my pocket and hold it again… then slowly I drop it on the ground and crush it with my foot then sit on the side railing to let myself just cry. "Don't cry cause of that." Kyle comes up to me and leans beside me on the rail. "Oh God that was just so fuckin…" "Shitty!" He laughs and nudges me with his elbow. I wipe my tears and realize my makeup has run. I have black stains on my hands. "Fucking A!" I rub my eyes and look up at the stars that are out. "I really didn't know." Kyle begins, "I mean I just thought you looked at me like a brother." Awkward feeling again. "I really would like to not talk about this." I turn to him and tuck my hair behind my ear. "Look, if I had known… I would not have came here with them." "Well you know now… and really you don't have to say anything because I was never going to say anything." "Why?" "Because why would I do this to myself?" "What?"He rubs his face with one hand and I find myself even more like shit. "I wouldn't make myself feel like such shit." "No… because if you would have told me I would have brought you here tonight." "Why?" "Because I like you, I've liked you for awhile…" I held my breath, was he just saying this to make me feel better? "You like me?" I need to know whats true and whats just in my head. We've been friends for two years, and for two years I've thought about what it would feel like to kiss him, hold him, and know him in a way that was more personal more intimate. "Yeah but Mara said you weren't into me like that, she said that you thought of me like a brother too." I felt betrayed for Mara knew how much I loved him, and what my feelings for him really were. How long has she been hiding this from me. "I smashed the pill." I point to the remains of the little bit of dream he had given me. I'm still relieved that I didn't eat the thing. "You think its shit dont you?" Kyle bites his lip hoping my judgement isn't too low of him. I don't judge him for it, I just don't find the need to do it I guess. I shake my head and sit down on the railing balancing myself just right. "I wish I could just escape." I laugh knowing that in this moment an escape would be all I needed. "I know that a pill wouldn't solve that for me. Nothing really will." I know that behind the dark clothes and dark eyes I'm just me. Shy, plain and nothing but natural as far as makeup. "I wouldn't want that." He jumps up and slides next to me on the rail. "I just want you here with me all the time." "Yeah?" "Yeah, and the rest will just kinda figure itself out I guess." He puts his hand over mine and I lean in closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. This is it I guess, we're together now, and I know how he actually feels about me. Mara hid it from us both but she forgot one thing, true feelings always have a way of turning up. "Kyle?" "Yeah?" "Don't do pills anymore okay?" I hold up my hand in an attempt to shake on it. He waits a minute and then takes a firm hand and shakes on it. "Deal." He uses his grip to pull me in and kisses me on the lips, I melt with joy and I'm sent into all the dreams I ever had of him. This moment has been a dream for two years finally it's happened. "What the hell are you guys doing!" Mara jumps in front of us with her hair all loose in front. "Mara what the fuck?" I jump to my feet and cross my arms over my chest, her lies are done. "I was waiting for you guys to get back inside, I'm bored." "So you knew how I felt for the longest time and you denied it to him, to me?" Her eyes become wide and her makeup scares me even more but I'm really not afraid. "So he told you finally? Good I wasn't gunna get involved." "Actually you did, you always have." I look back at Kyle who is standing behind me clearly taking my side. "He's my brother Katie." "And your my friend!" I wait for a reply but instead she bows her head looking for a lie to fill in for an explantion to hide behind. "All I wanted was for you guys to get along, not date. This is so lame, you guys can't go out!" Her words weren't lies, she was honest for once. "Lets go back inside I gotta tell the other girls that I wont be giving them a ride." Kyle takes my hand and for a minute I feel a little bad for Mara who clearly just lost me as a friend. She stands with her hand over her chest, and I remember the nights I cried out my love for Kyle and how to assured me it was never going to happen… "Yeah… I'm over this." I follow him back inside. The car ride back was quiet no one said anything, I sat in front with Kyle, my hand gently on his lap while Mara sat in the back over looking the streets we passed by. A part of me wanted to say something but I knew it was better left unsaid. She was sorry and I could tell she was aware of the mistake she made. "Mara I'm gunna take you home first okay?"Kyle adjust the rear view mirror and aims his gaze at his sister who is gently tugging at the split ends in her hair. "Whatever." She mumbles barely looking back it was done she was over, her power had no use here. Back at my place it was better, Mara wasn't around and we were alone and together. "If anything happened tonight it was good." He said gently pullin my hair to the side. "Yeah it was really good." I agree with him, knowing that deep down we were still a bit confused how we could have missed this connection. What were we hiding from and how did we really not know? I lean in to say goodnight and kiss him on the cheek, he slides his hand on my face and kisses me hard and long. It was a long time coming but something must have been known… the truth was this was real and this was us and there was nothing anyone could do, no matter who, no matter what.

Love me Tender

A sweet brush on her cheek as she kissed him goodbye, she looked into his eyes and longed for more time. "So you really have to go huh?"

"You know I do, but know I will be back before long." He held her in his arms and kissed her once more. The train was going to New York, taking him away from Ocala Florida where his heart belonged.

"I love you Tommy, I really do," She waved goodbye as he jumped into the cart, he tipped his hat off and disappeared. Tears ran down her face, Dora ran her fingers through her jet black hair and made her way back to her daddy's car.

The drive back home was long, the sun was setting and the sky was orange and bright. Elvis played on the radio, Love me Tender, she turned the song up and let each tear run down her face and into her soft lips. Crying was a privilege, a sign of passion in her tribe.

1956 was a hot year in Ocala Florida, skin became sticky like glue, and hair curled by the humid air. Dora was half Indian and Half white, she was a simple girl, a hard worker, a sweet soul, and the most beautiful girl in Ocala.

She was in love with Tommy Green a New York photographer that traveled all over the united states taking photographs for post cards. THe first time he met Dora he knew right then and there he was in love. Her jet black hair shined and smelled like jasmin, she was always tanned and she had deep brown eyes that could look right into his soul. From the moment she said hello, he knew only that he would never want to say goodbye.

Dora worked at a small cafe outside the train station. Tommy was down for work, and he stopped by every day, making sure to sit in her section. After some time the two began to hit it off. Dora liked Tommy's sweet tone and quiet manner. He respected her and it was something she wasn't use to around her.

After some time Tommy talked her into modeling, she was a real natural. She would pose by the orange trees and palms. She became a company faveorite and soon her post cards were everywhere.

Before long Dora and Tommy fell in love, but his job would keep them apart.

Dinner was ready by the time Dora came home. "Hello mother, hello father." She sat at the dinner table, and brushed her hair behind her ears.

"Dora we don't understand why you do this to yourself, that Tommy just comes and goes."

"Mother I just love him, I don't know why I just do."

"Dora he's just playing with you. He can't possibly love you, his life is not like your life, his heart is not for you."

Dora stood up, smiled and excused herself to her room, enough had been said enough had been done. She lied in bed all night praying to God it just wasn't true.

Time passed, Tommy wrote her a letter or two, each one proclaiming his love for her. She hid them under her pillow and would dream of a life in which she and Tommy never were apart.

One morning while waiting tables Tommy appeared. He face was soft, his expression changed. Dora ran to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Oh Tommy, how I've missed you."

"Dora I'm afraid I have something to tell you." Dora stepped back, his face drowned in sorrow. "Dora I got some girl pregnant in Chicago, I'm so sorry but I must marry this girl, I have to do the right thing."

"GO." Dora folded her arms and froze in her stance.

"Dora I don't love her, I love you, I wanted to propose to you!" He showed her ring.

"How could you? You stupid stupid man, go, now!" She pointed to the door, two men from behind the counter stood close by, they were ready to throw him out.

"Go and never come back, you got your pictures, you had your fun."

"Dora I made a mistake and I'll never stop loving you." He tipped his hat and walked away, leaving the ring on the table as left.

After work Dora took a walk, she went towards a small canal behind the truck stop, the smell of the swampy water comforted her. She tucked herself into a small brush clearing and began to cry. Tears ran down her face, her heart was broken, ripped from her in one day. How could she be so dumb, she took the ring from her pocket and studied it under the moon light, it shined so bright. She clenched the ring in her palm and held it, tucked it to her chest and in a flash threw it into the swamp.

Time passed, seasons changed, faces too. Dora respected her mother more than ever, after all she was always right. Dora quit her job at the cafe, she was offered a job at a woman's clothing store where the owner let her model all the clothes. The people of Ocala loved her. She was the face of the small town, and of the Indians that lived there.

Dora kept her heart to herself, she never wanted to fall in love again. After time had passed, her heart did grow to love again. The store owner's son Levy, he showed her that with truth and love a heart could love again.


They soon married, bought a small little house and had a couple of childern. Dora would soon forget her love for Tommy ever existed.

One morning on her way to see her parents Dora stopped by the cafe she use to work at. She ordered a coffee, eggs, and toast and sat by the window where she could see the train go by.

"Can I sit with you?" A voice called from behind, she turned, it was Tommy. His face had aged a bit, he was still the same.

"Sure," she sat up straight and welcomed him with a smile.

"You still look so beautiful, like the last time I saw you." She smiled and sipped from her cup. "You don't look so bad yourself." She smiled.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you."

"Don't be, lets just let time take care of it, I've moved on like you had to, and I'm not expecting you to hold on to the past."

"Dora I made a mistake, your love was the only love I ever wanted."

"What would your wife think?" Dora smiled and looked out the window.

"My wife?"

"yeah the woman you said you were having a baby with."

"Dora, that woman lied to me, that wasn't my baby, I thought they told you!"

"They? Who?"

"Your parents, I came looking for you, but they said you never wanted to see me again, and that if I ever came back your father would shoot me dead."

"They never said a thing, I can't believe it," her eyes grew wide, tears began to fall down.

"Dora I promise I came here everytime looking for you."

"I never knew, oh Tommy, no one ever told me."

"Dora I still love you."

"You can't, you really mustnt. Tommy I married someone else, and we have two children together, and I love him."

"Dora I'm sorry I ever left, I will always love you and I will always know that you love me too."

Dora stood up tears ran down her face, she put her hand on his shoulder and smiled tenderly. "Maybe one day things might change, but we can't change a thing now, I loved you so much, and you broke my heart, I just can't be here, and I hope that we never forget one another, you did so much for me, changed my life, but my life is different now, and I belong to someone else, I hope you understand that I love you just isn't enough anymore." She kissed him goodbye and ran out the door.

A train passed on by, as he watched her drive off into the horizon.

Dora never came back to him, she stayed true to her husband and children, but she never stopped loving Tommy, she always had him in her heart.

Lost Destiny

A pinch of green, the crisp of paper, two shiny red painted fingers a pinch. She wrestles the paper into a small rolled point, a tight fresh joint, nothing like breakfast in the morning.
It's day three and still nothing. Marie looks through her cell phone, searching for a missed text, a missed call, a missed anything. Instead the backround pic reminds her of the pain and she slaps her cell phone closed as she tosses it in her bag.
"I brought you this coffee from the gas station." Her mother says in her usual run down smokers voice.

"I'm not hungry, I'm not thristy, I'm not anything." Marie looks through her mother, through the window and straight at the blue and red swing set in the yard.

"If Destiny has a chance at being found, she's going to need you to be the one that gives her that chance."

"I'm not worthty of it ma, I'm not worthy of being a fucking mother, I'm not worthy of being her fucking chance."

"Don't say that Marie, come, lets get you into a warm bath and maybe you can lie down while i meet with the police and then press."
"I don't want to lie down Ma, I don't even want to get up, I don't even want to move, I just want to find her." Her head sinks into hands and Marie begins to scream through her hands.

"Marie, don't, honey we will find that little girl, we will find Destiny, just don't do this right now, listen to me, you will be strong, you will find your little girl, you will show the world that you had the strength to find that little girl."

A bright light shines through the window, a woman in a police uniform steps out, she is blank and she is pale. Marie is silent, the only sound she makes comes from her finger tips tapping on the table top awaiting what this woman is her to say.

"Hello" she slips out. She pulls the chair by marie out and gently sits by her side. "You must know why I'm here, you must also know what I'm going to say."

"No, you can't!" Marie's mother calls out, she pulls on Marie's arm and holds it tight.

"Ma'am, this morning a jogger running five miles away from here stumbled upon a small body. We have taken the remains to the morgue they will be confirming whether or not this is your daughter, they will also have the answer as to what might have happened during this unforseen time."

"Oh no!" Marie's mother cups her mouth and cries out, Destiny, her only grandaughter, dead. Marie doesn't move, she doesn't make a sound. Her lips are still and hands locked.

"Ma'am, you can use my light." The officer hands her a pink lighter, Marie holds it to her joint and takes one long drag.

Marie listens to the radio hoping to fall asleep before walking into that morgue, before lifting the sheet, before seeing Destiny. Her mother brings her a pill and a tall glass of water. She sits by her side and pushes her hair back.

"I did this."
"What are you saying Marie, you didn't do a damn thing."
"I did this ma."
"Marie you did what, be there, be as good as a parent as you could be."
"No, no ma, I didn't try, I didn't even give one damn about it."
"Marie what is the matter with you? You aren't thinkin."
"I'm a monster, a real monster."
"Marie you're not a monster, your my baby, your my little girl, you don't deserve this, you didn't deserve this."
"Ma, why are you even saying any of this?"
"That little girl had the best mother she could of had, she had you."
"Who are you trying to fool ma? You know what happened, we're just two fucked up monsters. And we're going to pay for what we have done, what we did to that little girl, she didn't deserve this ma, she didn't"
"Marie shut your stupid mouth,"
"You think we're not going to get caught?"
"Not if you don't know how to shut that fucking mouth of yours that won't stop running."
"Running from the lies, running from the shit you tell me, and yourself, we're not victims, we're the murderers!"

Marie's mother slams her hand to her daughter's mouth shoving a small pill into her. Marie swallows, closes her eyes and falls asleep. Images from the night play through her head, she remembers placing her daughter's limp body into that trunk, her small lips, dark, and yet still full of life. The trunk slams shut, she swears she hears a cry.

She also remembers the day her daughter was born. The doctors all warned her, they expected Destiny to come out with special needs, special wants, and with a special life. Marie didn't find out she was pregnant till she was five months along, she didn't want to know and didn't care enough to find out until her school called her mother and told her it was necessary for her to go.

Marie flashes through Destiny's life, remembering how it was hard, how she didn't really have any help, her mother was too ashamed for her own self and her daughter, the slut of the town.

Marie then remembers back before Destiny was born, before she even found out she was having a little girl. It was at school that Marie was paid 50 dollars to fuck the school's retarded boy. It was his first but her 20th, she was going around quick.

When she first looked into Destiny's little face she was him there, in her face, it was obvious he was her father and destiny was going to be just like him.

The morgue was cold, the light low. A small body lied tucked under a white sheet. Marie stands at the side of her bed. "I don't want to remember her like this."
"It's okay ma'am your mother can id her." Marie looks over to her mother who is clutching her bag and waiting for someone to motion her over.