A Long Look Away

His eyes are so electric I can't shake from him. He stands over me with his own plans of how he wants to live and it doesn't quite include me. I want to believe that he doesn't know better but the truth is I'm not so sure. I take a couple steps back and over think the role I've taken on as his wife, his friend, his bitch, his love. He doesn't believe in soul mates, he doesn't believe in marriage, and we both know deep down he doesn't want kids. I've just spent money on our home and I regret each penny. I'm only buying him things that one day I might have to walk away from.

A tree won't bear fruit if the branches aren't trimmed. I can't have my peace in a place of chaos. I did my best to keep this place special but it was broken once people began coming by and our time together was pulled apart. I don't know. Just like the song, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, I built my whole life around you, how can I just stand aside and keep from creating the home I want? I wanted this to go different. No one ever encouraged you more than me, but I guess you have a funny way of forgetting that. I clench my fist and hold onto my wine glass tight. Fuck.

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why. We go to bed and he turns his back to me. I know he's mad. I wish I could just pack up and just head out through the door and start a new life. I'd hit the road with my favorite things and my laptop to write. I'd travel from coast to coast stopping at all the national parks and camping on site. Nature would embrace my every need and heal my every wound.

His snores echo in this room. He's a monster with a mission to just live his life. I could be shot in the head and he'd never notice. Sometimes I doubt that we are in love at all. He wants me to be here like a bed. He only needs me to rest his heads. I always believed that marriage was between two people who wanted to come together to build a big bushy nest. One person made it pretty the other made it comfortable. In our relationship he sits still while I work like a slave over the details and the upkeep. I just shake my head and silently scream.

My oh my, I am such a fool. I forgave him too quick and gave into his every indulgence and only to be shown what an idiot I am and how much he is trying to control me. I gave him the option to back out of this years ago. Nothing happened. I cope from day to day with his life and I swallow my words and neglect my spirit in order to get along.

I can't do it anymore. I want more. I don't think i deserve it but I could work hard enough to deserve it. Long ago I had that proactive spirit, I need to evoke that energy back around again. Maybe I'd actually leave, actually take care of myself and for the first time ever be totally independent. My heart breaks but its clear we don't want the same things or the same life. I want to settle down and travel around and he wants to explosively create. I wish him well but I know I can't let those flames that chaos come back into my life. Home is in my head and in my heart.